HELP I'm in deep mess.I messed up a lot in my rship years ago.I love him so much but i was jz young and stupid

I accidentally hook up wit another two men. The 1st one i admit was my fault but the 2nd one was not really my fault coz i didn't want it. I just didn't know what 2do coz he was my lecturer back then. My fault that i accepted it when he asked me out. I thought it's just an innocent scholarly outing. I didnt expect a so called respectable scholar/author/professor 2do dat. It's so gross. I begged him not to do anything to me, however in a split second he just did! He tricked me and i didnt know how to get out of d mess. Though i was very immature& stupid, i was honest with my bf. I know i am to be blamed, i cant live with the guilt until now. I feel like killing myself. Esp after the 2nd time, it hits me so badly coz i didn't want it so the trauma and phobia kicks in as well. But now my bf is abusing me mentally n physically. I'm staying bcoz i feel guilty&responsible 4 ruining everything. He's staying coz he loves me so much regardless wat happen but he's torchering me at the same time.